Rant # 1, The Short Life

Isnt it a fallacy that life is short? Since ages we are told that life is short, live it to the fullest and yet there sits a "society" on a round conference table that pens the rules for a "better life", grow old, get a job, buy a house, buy a car, get insurance and then, one fine day, die at your own sweet convenience. But is that entirely wrong? I guess not!
You know what's wrong? The notion that life is too short! Hell no it ain't! Its some 60-70 long years, 365 days each, 24 hours each, 3600 seconds each of sheer struggle! That's long, way long. Life's not given to you to enjoy or travel or write poetry sitting on your porch on a rainy evening, sipping coffee. Its given to you to struggle through it, to follow the protocol, earn and to provide for yourself and maybe others. Have patience, call me not a pessimist, not yet. Lets face it, we, humans have evolved to the extent that our brain requires constant engagements, material, physical or whatsoever. We invented an economy for our needs and then spent all lives running after it! We evolved to the extent, where our needs outgrew those of our fellow planetmates, which further necessitated higher endeavours. And to think of life as short, so as to focus on things that make you happy is simply wrong. Life is long enough for you to earn really well so as to merely survive. Welcome to the reality. There is a reason the "protocol" exists and a reason its supposed to be followed. We humans are not the only species to pay for what they eat, the lion has to hunt down the lamb, the squirrel has to look for nuts, the sparrow travels far and wide for food, but we humans, we certainly do pay a lot more. We pay in terms of our lives. Such is the cost of evolution.

जंगल

एक घने जंगल के बीच बसा यह शहर
एक तरफ यह काला अंधेर जंगल
एक तरफ ये चमचमाती इमारतों में जगमाती रौशनी
रात के सन्नाटे में गूँजती जुगनुओं की आवाज़
और उन इमारतों में भटकती तन्हा रूहों की खामोश चीख
एक ओर थमे हुये से वक़्त के ये कुछ पल
एक ओर हवा सी उड़ती ज़िन्दगी की जद्दो जेहद
मुठ्ठी में से रेत की तरह छूटती चंद पुरानी यादें
और दिन-ब-दिन सामने आती दुनिया की कड़वी हक़ीक़तें

और इन दोनों सिरों के बीच खड़ा एक मैं
कभी फुर्सत की तलाश में, कभी तन्हाई की..

Eloped

Eloped

As she stood there looking out the window that evening, her mind zoned out. Every minute that passed turned the dusk sky a deeper hue of blue gradually reaching the black of her eyes. Her face displayed the paleness of a corpse, her eyes spake of dried tears. The azaan from the mosque in the vicinity, was the only comforting element in the moment. A reminder that God did exist. Like a bandage over wounded beliefs. Voices shreiked inside her head, people continued to yell at each other, tears were being wept, yet she heard nothing. Absolutely nothing. 72 hours, 72 hours was all it had taken to raze Sneha's apparantly perfect life to the ground. The life she had put together bit by bit over forty long years.
They said the best bond in the world was that between a parent and a child. Today Sneha had seen her most precious relationship fail ever so miserably. Twenty years of parenting, washed down the drain in a single instant and not a word about it. And a Magistrate had got to decide, if she could get those last five minutes with her daughter who she pampered with the wealth of the world for twenty years. Those last five minutes had never ceased playing themselves on loop in her head ever since they had first occured.
"Aren't you happy with my marriage? Why cant you be content in my happiness?" Never before had Rahika stood up for something so firmly. And 24 hours ago, the pampered damsel was standing up for her right to choose a life partner, in front of a high court magistrate at an age of 20, with her 25 year old Knight in Shining Armour by her side, while her mother had had to plead a magistrate to allow her five last minutes with her daughter. And at the end of it all she could do was watch her daughter, walking away from her. Anger, despair, disgust, horror clouded her mind while her face had simply gone pale, lifeless. As lifeless as was that evening.

Sneha wasn't your regular, helpless housewife in the family. Until right now, she had the complete control over the family. Standing tall over her decisions, her husband, her kids had never dared to go against her. Only until three days ago. There are bad things you prepare for, there are bad things you hope never befall your family and there are things, you just never could have seen coming. Things that make more sense in a flimsy movie script, while in reality, they spell nothing but ugly.

The evening had by now culminated into the starless night. The city's skyscrapers lit up with tiny lights from their windows as visible from Sneha's balcony. The pollution in the city had never allowed for the twinkling stars to show through the smoggy skies. Sneha however, hadn't moved.
The view from her 10th floor apartment in Gurgaon which had hitherto always worked to soothe her nerves, slapped her hard with a realisation tonight. The realisation, that she was nothing but alone in this concrete jungle of a city. Dheeraj, her husband had come over a couple of times to get her to have dinner. She had nodded in affirmitive but stayed put while he gave up after a few attempts. He stood next to her, no words said, none required.

"Cigarette hai?" She broke the silence.
They both knew, she had quit quite sometime back. But Dheeraj did not object. Not tonight. Handing over a Marlboro, he lit it for her and continued to gaze in the same direction as her, while they stood together at the balcony. Sneha
took an unusually long drag and immediately coughed it out.
"Hey easy" he tried patting her back. She got back up and tried taking another drag, only this time.it came out smoother.

"So this is what it boils down to, A failure. I failed you didn't I? I've failed you as the mother of our daughters"
"Not at all Sneha, There's nothing you could possibly have done about it" the tone was sombre as it could be
"Come out of Denial Dheeraj, the entire city is going to be talking about it over morning tea tomorrow, we've practically been disrobed in front of the entire city" Her face still as pale.
"If we really have been, we might as well face it strong, i dont see an escape, or maybeit doesnt even matter"
"I just wish she's okay, that dumb ass of a woman, There were reasons, we hated him right" Her voice broke through both anger and tears
"Sneha," He placed both his hands on her shoulders, and continued, "we might have gone wrong in places, but if Rahika's to learn from her own mistakes, there's just nothing we can possibly do about it."

She burried her head in his chest, and let her tears flow. He held her close, letting her cry her heart out. Far up in the sky a few stars twinkled along their path.

Dwarka Dusk

And then the noise died away, fading out into nothingness. As the late-october chill dissolved into the sound of the azaan from the neighborhood mosque, the sweet tinkling of the wind chimes at her 10^th floor apartment notified her of the impending dusk. As she walked up across the hall to latch the door to the balcony, a gush of wind brushed past her face, giving her the chills marking the onset of winters. She looked down, as the amber streetlights started lighting up the busy road. But up here, it looked all different, calm, beautiful. Not a busy, traffic-laden, chaotic city road but, a bigger picture, At a distance, the suave, brightly lit metro train ferried passengers running about the course of their daily lives, a landscape of vast greens dotted by amber streetlights like tiny stars below the skies. set amidst which stood the whote marble mosque, silent, serene, like God’s own exiistence amidst the chaotic suburb. A beautiful picture of nature’s harmony. As the dusk beset deeper, the sky dissolved into her favorite hues of blue, while three tiny pigeons set on their flight back home.

Home. That was the word. Someone else too was expected home. The wait intensifying as she looked out at the street. There was still a while to go.

Having latched the door, she came back to the hall to prepare for his welcome, as she relived their last goodbye five months back. Riots had broken out in a far-off lawless land, over which god was the holiest. Forces of young, vibrant, dynamic soldiers were stationed in the casualty zones by the people condemning the riots from their AC offices. He promised to be back as his lips sucked off those nervous drops of sweat on hers. A lone drop of water had escaped her kohl-smudged eyes then.

Another such drop escaped her eyes now, now that she prepared to welcome him back. He had sounded vibrant on the phone as he expected the riots to subside and be able to return home in a week.

She had dressed in her finest punjabi suit. A black deep neck salvar kameez with a golden border, her eyes lined perfectly in kohl and her waist long her left open to one side of her face. Just the way he liked it. She wanted to leave no stone unturned, to charm him off his wits when he returned from duty. As the dusk grew into a dark starless night and the clock closed to 7, her doorbell rang. This was it, her moment of ecstacy. With a million thoughts, memories, emotions scurrying around in her head, she opened the door with the lustful smile of a newly-wed.

There he was, in a box, wrapped in tricolor.

One Last Drink

He brought the glass to his lips

Sipping the scotch, of pain once again

The familiarity was warm and welcoming

The bitter taste of memories

Albeit long forgotten

Had managed to tickle the taste buds of his heart right away

Holding his drink in his mouth

He relished the bitterness

Remeniscing slowly, pains he had long got over

Memories and pain, like scotch

Only get richer, bitter with time, he discovered

As the night went by

The moon tracing an arc along the sky

His drinks refused to cease

Years of abstinence had made him thirsty for his own pain

The stupor of forgotten love

Fuzzing the horizon of consciousness

As those eyes looked out at him from the laptop screen

Silent, sober, happy

No more words, no more answers sought

And over the night

The frozen lava of worthless tears

Melted for the one last time

And made its way back

To where it belonged!

Tonight was the last night of pain

The last night 

Possibly

The Seeker

As he walked under the sky

Lit by a million stars twinkling in the tranquility of the night,

Like a million dots, when connected

Could give him the answers he sought

The moon smiled upon him 

basking a pitch dark forest, milky white

The garden crickets filling for the intoxicating silence

As he gazed at the outline of the hills ahead and the skies above

This was his moment

A line he oft repeated to himself

Almost always in vain

And tonight was turning out no different

For what he sought, had eluded him yet again

Hours of efforts, plannings and pre thoughts

And this half alive moment

What he wanted to acheive looked him

In the eye

What he sought, was no where to be seen

Or was it?

Was it right there and he simply faced elsewhere

Maybe the answers were right there

Maybe, just maybe, he wasnt ready for them yet

Maybe there were a few lessons yet to be learnt again

Some mistakes yet to be corrected

For a mind cluttered with questions

The traffic of his thoughts had managed to catch up with him a hundred miles away

The claws of relations he had attempted to escape

Had managed to pin him down yet again

And he who ran away to solitude

Wept a tear of loneliness yet again

For he who had forgotten to love himself

Sought love, where there was none

Not for him

The Revenant: Saudade of Delhi

Like a long-lost beloved

She calls me back

And I

I love her too 

Her troughs and crests still haunt my lonely nights

Only this time

Something makes me wary

If the past holds anything to teach

Between two nights of passion, lies a day

The seldom intriguing,

Often mundane, day

When life takes over

When moods govern bonds

When insecurities greet you every morning

When ego shows up accross the bed of roses

And love becomes a load you want to shirk

But, she doesn't give me a choice

Or maybe i do not give myself one

Desires of the body have a court of their own

The heart, the infamous convict

I miss admiring her silhouettes, the dusky skin, the dark eyes against the sinking sun

Not all liquor needs the mouth

Doesn't look too bad a bargain to me. 

And here i lay

On my way back to passionate nights

And meloncholy days

Those i turned my back on

She'll hold on, i know 

I too, shall try

And now that I'm into it

Why the heck not?

Dualities

As he walked down that brightly lit corridor of the mall, His thoughts ventured a few years back in time. Of what was a terrible time to face then Now fitted perfectly into the bigger picture. The answers he had spent years chasing Stood right there in front of his eyes. That beautiful woman and the bespectacled, little girl, trying on outfits at a store a few yards away from him. 

His own little home in the big empty world

He looked, and silently smiled in gratitude

"Hey mister!"

The voice broke his trance. As he turned around, already apologetic for a probable mistaken step, he saw her. Unrecognisable at first but the familiarity about those eyes was unsettling. It wasn't more than a couple seconds that the name flashed in bol in his head. It was her.

"Uh Hi, how have you been?" He blurted with difficulty and a pale face. 

"Very well, you tell me." The smile was back. "Its been long." She continued. 

The face he saw now was quite different from what he had known all these years. The "then" straight hair had now been done up in a casual bun with a tiny speck of vermillion at the top center of the forehead. A pair of spectacles were a new addition reaffirming the workaholic that she was. The red and beige bangles on her arms spoke of a recent marriage. She had lost weight, he noticed. Clad in a black patiala suit with a hint of make up, it was in sharp contrast against the shirts and jeans he remembered her in. He silently looked at her face, her lips moving as she spoke. Yes she looked elegant. She turned her face away to avoid "that" look. He knew. 

But What he noted most prominently, no span of years could take away from her, the twinkle in her eyes. The famous twinkle. 

"Long indeed" He replied almost nervously, "So when did this happen?" He continued to ask. 

"Ohh well I met Akshay about four years ago, we married about an year back"

"Thats nice to know, I wish you the best in life" 

"Same here"

"So are you here with him?"

"Oh no! Just me, regular shopping"

They had never had many words to exchange. A comforting yet awkward silence started to take over. It was broken by the sound of the little girl calling out to him, "Daddy!!" She ran to him, opening her arms as she neared. He held open his arms and lifted her into his arms!! 

"Hi baby" his face lit up like never before. 

Realising the presence of the woman in front of him, he introduced the little girl to the lady.  "This is Nishtha,

Nishtha, say hello to aunty!"

The lady chuckled with a moist eye

"Hi Nishtha, Nice to meet you" she smiled adoringly

The little girl grinned in reply.

"I should probably get going, It felt nice meeting you. Take care"

"Yeah, you take care too"

***

'The idiot had still managed to keep me close to himself' She thought to herself As she walked away from him..

***

"Who was that lady Daddy?"

He closed his eyes and gave his 4 year old daughter a loving peck on the cheek.

"Just a friend baby"

The Girl In The Metro

In those thighs so round as melons

Inviting;

In the bosom full like the mangoes in spring

I could rest my heart to 

peaceful sleep

Her arms could hold me tight enough

The nails digging into my back

While we spent ourselves till no more

In the face chubby as a newborn spake of innocence

And in those eyes, silent, seducing

I found my woman of beauty

Aafreen

As the veil was lifted

And the eye-lids raised

A manifestation of the heavens above

stood before him

So intricately crafted by the One himself

He shuddered to face such immortal beauty

As if the One himself, faced him from those eyes

No lips did move

No eyes did blink

Yet he struggled

Struggled against the shots of silent questions

Struggled for answers never sought

The eyes that looked up to its Creator in prayer

The eyes that looked down to the earth as they blushed

Those eyes that inspire poetry

Those eyes that render wordsmiths speechless

As those eyes continued to look through him

Those big round eyes on the silent face

He felt them penetrate

Penetrate every hidden secret in his head

Every muffled scream in his throat

Every curbed pain in his heart

And all he could, but stand

As those eyes just sat there silently

Probing him, passively

While he confided, like a lamb

He gazed into those pools of black

Deep, solemn and tranquil, 

the new moon night

Outlined in black with kohl

Like a meticulous painting

He stood there

Shivered

Struggled

Admiring the beauty that faced him

Wondering if He was a painter, 

or a poet

And no more than a word escaped his lips

Aafreen

Memories on Sand

She took a bite of her burger and continued gazing at the table accross her. The little girl with frizzy hair sat on the table itself while the boy was seated on the chair, none of whom looked any older than three. The girl sat clueless, staring out from those big round eyes, while a young man wiped the ketchup off the her lips and hands with some tissues. Ms. Frizzy Hair, however was sure this man in front of her would never leave her side.

Looking at the little girl, she lost herself in a maze of thoughts. Her mind drifted off to an old man who had tended to her in exactly the same way while she held out her face and hands for him to clean. 

The man, who was her hero, and to whom she was the darling baby, his warrior princess. 

The man, whose tummy was her favorite bed 

He who believed in her when no one did

He who drank from her tiny tea sets only to share her excitement

The man, she knew, would stand by her no matter what befell her

The man who led her by her tiny hands wrapped around his finger, and raised her to fight the world

The man for whom she never grew up ever since he held her in his own two palms. 

The man who loved her like no one could, cherished her and took pride in her, no matter what. 

The man, who lived only to see her little girl smile, and cackle.

The man who will always be the only hero she ever had

A single drop of water escaped her eyes

I miss you dad..

She said to herself

Farewell

I look into your eyes

You who sit here in anticipation

The big dark eyes

Those, i've come to love, over time

The gleam is back in your eyes

The chirp, in your voice

Things I longed to see, longed to hear

Things i asked for you, everytime i prayed

However transitory..

But today

I have nothing to offer but superficial silence

Observing you, fluttering around

Smiling, after what seems to be eternity

As i hold myself from breaking it to you

Waiting for the right moment

There shall be none, i realise

In what went from disgust to inexplicable love

I found you, the extension of myself

Some five hundred miles past home

A book of fables, myths, mysteries 

Slyly disguised behind concrete professionalism

Waiting to lure me into a world i always knew, i belonged to

Your world

The world of chivalry, humility, beauty

Your wait has been tough Your journey, painful

I missed you no less, you've always known

And here i stand

At another cruel bend in the road

Waiting for my chance to say

I depart, never to return..

In the flow of things I blurt it out..

You have only one thing to ask

Where?

Some place too far to come back

Take care

The smile is transitory, yet warm

I have nothing to add

No apologies, no answers

I get up and turn around

Battling the pain, battling the guilt

As i walk away thinking

You should've been in my life, a bit longer

Almost Euphoric

And it rained

Rained like it never had before

Rained like it never will again

As he sat in his balcony

In his cosy lil small town

Looking out into nothing

This was it, his town, his very moment

The chirpings of the swallows flying home

Had failed to romance him today

The chill in the breeze, made him shiver

But he stayed

Waiting for the moment to rid him of the pain

The showers intensified unannounced

But nothing changed

As he sat there

Recalling all that he had lost

Reminiscing the women he had loved

Unstoppably, uncontrollably, irrevocably

A torrential downpour

The woman who taught him to smile

And the one who taught him the beauty of tears wept in love

She, to whom he meant the world

And she to whom he meant nothing at all

She, who taught him what it meant to be loved

And she who taught him eternal pain and longing

The woman who might have fought for him

And the woman he wanted to fight the world for

And years later

All he sat today with, was empty hands

Empty yet painful life

A few smiles, umpteen emotions

Countless tears

Pondering over love he had lost

Braving the chill on his bare flesh

The grey twilight turned deeper

The amber street lights made the raindrops gleam

The rain continued unabated

The downpour of emotions went unceased

Breeze after breeze

The chill reminded him 

How cold the world had really turned

Not that it had been any different

But he had allowed himself some happy illusions

Homeless

How different are you from these homeless of delhi

I ask myself

They who roam about the roads all alone

So do you

With nothing on their body but for tattered rags

While you wear shamelessly, your tattered ego

Smoking the cheapest filth they happen to get

Quite like you, getting high on whatever grains of love drop your way

Intoxication, their only escape from the harsh reality

So be it with you

Alienated, disowned by the world they belong to

I still dont see a difference

Begging for alms at the crack of dawn

Gathering what the rich discard

As You with the bowls of your eyes loiter begging for her sight

How different really? 

I ask myself

No, not a lot

Wo Kehte Hain

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain

Magar unki nazar kuch aur kehti hai

Kuch unki ada kuch wo lafz

Kuch aur daastaa byaan karte hain

Kuch wo taaron si timtimaati aankhein

Kuch wo jhukti haya bhari aankhein

Un jhuki palko me qaid wo tamaam raaz

Un aankhon ki haya kuch aur kehti hai

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain 

magar unki nazar kuch aur kehti hai

Labo ke jharokhe se jhaankti wo dheemi si muskaan

Har inkaar me ikraar ka paigaam

Aur unka rukh, jis par allah paak bhi Aafreen farma jaayein

Puri kaaynaat ki khoobsoorati khud me samaaye

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain

Aur hum naadaan,

Baghawat bhi karein to kya

Kuch door saath chale 

Aur keh gaye hum humsafar nahi

Phir kyu har ghadi unka ehsaas hai

Wo kehte rahe hum dost hain tumhare

Par wo nazar, wo muskaan wo dil

Kuch aur hi daastaan byaan karti gayi

Paradise

She walked silently by the street

Hands tucked in her pheran

Arms crossed around her torso

In the valley ruled by perrenial winters 

This evening was unusually cold

The sun had just gone down behind the hills

Giving the dusk sky a mystic shade of blue

The shade that got darker every five minutes

The silhouette of the lush green mountains now loomed large around her, 

changing colors in line with those of the sky

Greens to greys

Her hair neatly tied behind her head

Covered in a pink dupatta

The big almond eyes on a snowy complexion

Only 17 yet, she was often complimented for her looks

Abu had been planning to get her married after 18

She always blushed at the thought of her marriage

As she crossed the the little wooden bridge over the stream

Soaking in the sound of the water gushing by

Rustling and roaring in the little stream 

The sound of the azaan filled the air

Rendering the entire scene divine, exotic, mesmerizing

If not this what else must paradise be

Abu would have set off for the mosque she thought

Ammi would be helping little shahid with his english primer

And she lost herself to her thoughts

Turning to the road that led to her home

A one room house in a tiny cozy village in the valley

School had been fun today

Rafia had told her a juicy bit about shehnaz

They had giggled over it in the math class

Like any 17 year old girl, she kept pictures of Ranbir Kapoor in her bag

As she walked

The streets today were unusually deserted

Zaroon chacha's shop of daily essentials was closed too

Highly unusual, she thought to herself

There had been talks of an alert back at the school

And then she heard an explosion

Louder than she had ever heard

It took her a moment to figure out what it was

What followed were rapid gunshots coming  from two different directions

Before she could think or act She felt a bullet go through her stomach

Her insides burned as the gunpowder mixed immediately into her blood

As she collapsed dizzy

Blurry scenes of abu ammi and shahid flashed by her eyes

Just then, another tiny bullet of burning gunpowder went through her forehead

17 years of existence in the paradise

And a befitting silent nameless unceremonious death

The soldier who died with her got a honorary funeral

She became a headline in the newspaper

"Tensions up at Jammu and Kashmir border as teenage girl, soldier killed"

This was it, the end to her story

The cost of living in a paradise..

Torn

He deboarded the metro train unsure, indecisive. Walking up the escalator with reluctant steps. His conscience mocked him, berated him for what he was about to do. He carried on, he had decided to do away with the frustration for once. As he walked out of the station the sun had just set, the white disc evening moon could be faintly spotted in the mirage of hues that was the dusk sky. He took the turn he had never taken before and walked along the narrow bylane. Bustling with activity as was the custom in the old city, he saw numerous stalls n carts selling everthing from daily essentials to apparel to food to electronics. He spotted a shady little chemist shop in a corner. 

As he walked back from the chemist further onto the road, it widened. The sky grew darker and the air, chilly owing to the december winters. The CFL tubelights and LPG Bulbs came on from the adjoining establishments. To his left was the Ancient Gateway of the city basked in the milky white moonlight, to his immediate right, his destination for the night. The street. Abuzz with primetime activity, the street. He shuddered once again, a violent shake in the legs and arms. He slowed his steps but continued to walk tilting his head upwards looking at the tiny windows of the old time shackles. Women stood at the windows wearing loud clothes, louder makeups smiling through the blackened teeth. Did he really want to do this? Yes, for all he had endured guilt was a small price to pay. But a significant price nonetheless. He continued to walk when a voice struck him from behind, "600 Your Age, Right now". He didnt want much choice, how would that have mattered anyways. Averse to speaking too much, he nodded at the man. The man led him across the road to one of the many dark staircases. His heart his mind felt as dark and shady as that staircase that took him to a hall occupied with a couple of ladies sitting on chairs and a toddler playing about on the floor. As the man ahead of him smiled at the ladies, he was escorted into a tiny box of a room. Painted a meloncholy blue on all four walls, the room was barely high enough for him. The only furniture inside was a rickety bed made of wooden planks topped with a thin mattress and a soiled multocolored sheet. The man took his tip n left while he sat on the bed unsure of why he was here in the first place. Did he not always despise this entire setup? Pledge to keep a personal distance from it all through? 
He ignored the shreiking questions in his head. The door opened again a girl about mid twenties in age walked in. A very ordinary face, dark complexioned but overdosed on some cheap perfume. Clad in a dirty green salwar suit, adorned with bright red lipstick and dark kohl laden eyes. She came and sat down on the bed next to him.

This was it, the moment he had dreaded, ever since he had decided to do it. The moment of truth. His first time ever at getting intimate with someone, and in this despicable fashion. With someone, for whom it was her profession to gratify, her bread and butter per se. But his decision had been final ever since it was first made. He had decided to do away with the frustration for once, the frustration of being the nice guy. 

No words were exchanged, none were required. They both stripped out of their clothes while he turned around to slip on the protection he had come prepared with. As he turned back around to face her and took a look at her true female form, his mind sprinted over to someone else, someone he knew more closely. Closing his eyes, his mind fixed on a different face, he held the woman in front of him, in his arms and kissed her deep and hard on the lips. Exactly like he had wanted to do to her.  A wish that never realised. The passion in his kiss made his paid companion forget for a moment that she wasn't her, for an extended moment she forgot her existence and became her. As she joined in his ecstacy, a drop of water formed in the corner of his eyes and words escaped his lips, "I love you". The kissing did not stop nor the woman spoke back . The tears from his eyes continued to flow. Amidst his tears and their maddened tongues wiggling hungrily inside each other's mouth, he lay her on the bed while she opened her legs for him. Slowly he entered her and for the first time ever, felt for himself the divine union of a man and a woman. Her name escaped his Lips. The silent tears flowed out harder this time, while he continued to slowly stroke deeper into her, his lips glued onto hers. Occasionally he spoke in an unidentified ecstacy, rambled, "You know I had always loved you, the shape of your eyes, the warmth of your fingers around mine, your smile, the twinkle in your eyes, your mere presence was all i desired, was all i lived for". His voice began to break. As his strokes got more brisk so did his ramblings, "I wanted you to stay, get old with you" "Despite everything, I wanted you to stay". Many ramblings later, He climaxed. And everything stopped as meaninglessly as it had begun. 

She had stayed still all through tha act like she was used to it. Like it meant nothing to her

Not willing to face her again, he looked away as he dressed up. She sat up on the bed saying nothing. 
Fishing his wallet out of his pocket he placed the money on the same bed and left without as much as a glance.

She sat there on the same bed thinking about the person she was, before she finally picked up the money and put it in her bag. Later She went up to the bathroom to cleanup for her next client.

He walked down the same flight of stairs, back through the same busy street abuzz with primetime activity back to the same metro station without a single thought.
Had he got rid of his frustration?
He had tried..

Worthless

He mustered the courage

More like got owned by his madness

It was his last chance

Putting their past behind

Throwing the tattered rags of his self respect down the gutter

He asked her

Am outside your place

Could I see you the one last time?

I leave tomorrow morning

I'm afraid am in middle of a conversation

Sorry

He snapped the phone shut

And sat down where he stood

Thinking nothing

Looking into nothing

Wiping the blood off his wound

A befitting beautiful end to his beautiful story

She carried on with her conversation

It was just another call

She knew he'd be fine

Just another day after all

High on Pain

Love, is a beautiful feeling. Its probably like having your best friend around you all the time for the rest of your life. Someone to annoy the hell out of you when your sulky. Someone to dance around and enjoy the icecream while being drenched in the rain. Its the ease with which you raise your kids along with your friend and decades later still keep picking on each other. Its knowing fully well the best and the worst side of each other and loving both of them equally. Someone that diffuses into your soul in such a manner that the two entities aren't discernable anymore. And such romantic picturisations can be plenty. But I guess its essentially about the comfort we as humans feel in the company of our partners.

I was looking for that in the wrong person!

When years of dilusions are shattered, it does hurt

And yes it certainly wasn't meant to be

Ending with something like

May love touch you someday

While love is more or less intangible, the end of it leaves you with a pain thats very real. Its not just about sitting quietly in a room alone with your thoughts, there's a real pain right there in your chest, like a hole widening gradually in your body right in the center of your chest. You try holding yourself together, placing a hand on your chest but you can still feel it, something sinking too low within your body. You just dont know whether to cry or stay silent. This pain empties you from within, leaving nothing behind, no emotions, no hurt, no memories. You're stunned, almost stoned! Things cease to make sense. And then slowly, gradually it hits you, the pain of what you've lost. You mumble stuff regardless of where you are. You laugh and cry incoherently. It kicks you like the finest scotch, giving you a high beyond your own comprehension. High on pain. And then when you've fallen asleep while high and finally wake up, the kick is gone, no hangover nothing. You face the overly bright morning sun and slave through the day realising every moment, of the emptiness, untill the pain returns to waste you again. To stone you again.

Dusk to Midnight

Dusk 

In a while the sun will set 
Sinking behind the jungle of concrete 
Leaving nothing behind but empty meaningless darkness 
And i will have nothing to look at 
Nothing to gaze at anymore 
No empty skies, no rustling leaves 
No falling rains, no signs of life 
Those free flights of thoughts 
Shall now be caged in these four walls 
Where there's no difference between day and night 
Good and bad 
Right and wrong 
________________________ 

Midnight 

The late days, the late nights 
My thoughts are all i got 
And they know it 
Here i stand at their mercy 
Juggling personalities 
Shuttling between moods 
In a span of minutes 
I observe a new day arrive 
And depart for another 
Without a grain of difference in life 

There's a lot i should be doing 
A lot more i want to 
A lot less i eventually will 
I know not what stops me 

How i yearn to break free 
Run out of the cage and never be back 
Take up a journey Unexplored 
And run as far as my feet care to support
Immersing myself in life 
Watching the break of dawn end a beautiful starlit night 
Watching the skies change colors 
Grey, blue, black and those in between 
The wind rustling the lush green leaves, the lush fields 
Brushing past my skin 
The bunch of kids playing and quarelling 
And making up again 
Standing on the highway inhaling the fragrance of wet soil right after the rain 
Walking unabated, free of worldly concerns 
Of expectations, of forced responsibilities

How i yearn to break free 
These shackles of duties, of things that should be done 
And yet all i wish, is to feel alive again 

Saying this i retire to bed 
Right here inside my cage 
Three hours post midnight 
Looking over a productive tomorrow 
Starting post noon 
Have a good night earthlings 
I should probably be going