Almost Euphoric

And it rained

Rained like it never had before

Rained like it never will again

As he sat in his balcony

In his cosy lil small town

Looking out into nothing

This was it, his town, his very moment

The chirpings of the swallows flying home

Had failed to romance him today

The chill in the breeze, made him shiver

But he stayed

Waiting for the moment to rid him of the pain

The showers intensified unannounced

But nothing changed

As he sat there

Recalling all that he had lost

Reminiscing the women he had loved

Unstoppably, uncontrollably, irrevocably

A torrential downpour

The woman who taught him to smile

And the one who taught him the beauty of tears wept in love

She, to whom he meant the world

And she to whom he meant nothing at all

She, who taught him what it meant to be loved

And she who taught him eternal pain and longing

The woman who might have fought for him

And the woman he wanted to fight the world for

And years later

All he sat today with, was empty hands

Empty yet painful life

A few smiles, umpteen emotions

Countless tears

Pondering over love he had lost

Braving the chill on his bare flesh

The grey twilight turned deeper

The amber street lights made the raindrops gleam

The rain continued unabated

The downpour of emotions went unceased

Breeze after breeze

The chill reminded him 

How cold the world had really turned

Not that it had been any different

But he had allowed himself some happy illusions

Homeless

How different are you from these homeless of delhi

I ask myself

They who roam about the roads all alone

So do you

With nothing on their body but for tattered rags

While you wear shamelessly, your tattered ego

Smoking the cheapest filth they happen to get

Quite like you, getting high on whatever grains of love drop your way

Intoxication, their only escape from the harsh reality

So be it with you

Alienated, disowned by the world they belong to

I still dont see a difference

Begging for alms at the crack of dawn

Gathering what the rich discard

As You with the bowls of your eyes loiter begging for her sight

How different really? 

I ask myself

No, not a lot

Wo Kehte Hain

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain

Magar unki nazar kuch aur kehti hai

Kuch unki ada kuch wo lafz

Kuch aur daastaa byaan karte hain

Kuch wo taaron si timtimaati aankhein

Kuch wo jhukti haya bhari aankhein

Un jhuki palko me qaid wo tamaam raaz

Un aankhon ki haya kuch aur kehti hai

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain 

magar unki nazar kuch aur kehti hai

Labo ke jharokhe se jhaankti wo dheemi si muskaan

Har inkaar me ikraar ka paigaam

Aur unka rukh, jis par allah paak bhi Aafreen farma jaayein

Puri kaaynaat ki khoobsoorati khud me samaaye

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain

Aur hum naadaan,

Baghawat bhi karein to kya

Kuch door saath chale 

Aur keh gaye hum humsafar nahi

Phir kyu har ghadi unka ehsaas hai

Wo kehte rahe hum dost hain tumhare

Par wo nazar, wo muskaan wo dil

Kuch aur hi daastaan byaan karti gayi

Paradise

She walked silently by the street

Hands tucked in her pheran

Arms crossed around her torso

In the valley ruled by perrenial winters 

This evening was unusually cold

The sun had just gone down behind the hills

Giving the dusk sky a mystic shade of blue

The shade that got darker every five minutes

The silhouette of the lush green mountains now loomed large around her, 

changing colors in line with those of the sky

Greens to greys

Her hair neatly tied behind her head

Covered in a pink dupatta

The big almond eyes on a snowy complexion

Only 17 yet, she was often complimented for her looks

Abu had been planning to get her married after 18

She always blushed at the thought of her marriage

As she crossed the the little wooden bridge over the stream

Soaking in the sound of the water gushing by

Rustling and roaring in the little stream 

The sound of the azaan filled the air

Rendering the entire scene divine, exotic, mesmerizing

If not this what else must paradise be

Abu would have set off for the mosque she thought

Ammi would be helping little shahid with his english primer

And she lost herself to her thoughts

Turning to the road that led to her home

A one room house in a tiny cozy village in the valley

School had been fun today

Rafia had told her a juicy bit about shehnaz

They had giggled over it in the math class

Like any 17 year old girl, she kept pictures of Ranbir Kapoor in her bag

As she walked

The streets today were unusually deserted

Zaroon chacha's shop of daily essentials was closed too

Highly unusual, she thought to herself

There had been talks of an alert back at the school

And then she heard an explosion

Louder than she had ever heard

It took her a moment to figure out what it was

What followed were rapid gunshots coming  from two different directions

Before she could think or act She felt a bullet go through her stomach

Her insides burned as the gunpowder mixed immediately into her blood

As she collapsed dizzy

Blurry scenes of abu ammi and shahid flashed by her eyes

Just then, another tiny bullet of burning gunpowder went through her forehead

17 years of existence in the paradise

And a befitting silent nameless unceremonious death

The soldier who died with her got a honorary funeral

She became a headline in the newspaper

"Tensions up at Jammu and Kashmir border as teenage girl, soldier killed"

This was it, the end to her story

The cost of living in a paradise..

Torn

He deboarded the metro train unsure, indecisive. Walking up the escalator with reluctant steps. His conscience mocked him, berated him for what he was about to do. He carried on, he had decided to do away with the frustration for once. As he walked out of the station the sun had just set, the white disc evening moon could be faintly spotted in the mirage of hues that was the dusk sky. He took the turn he had never taken before and walked along the narrow bylane. Bustling with activity as was the custom in the old city, he saw numerous stalls n carts selling everthing from daily essentials to apparel to food to electronics. He spotted a shady little chemist shop in a corner. 

As he walked back from the chemist further onto the road, it widened. The sky grew darker and the air, chilly owing to the december winters. The CFL tubelights and LPG Bulbs came on from the adjoining establishments. To his left was the Ancient Gateway of the city basked in the milky white moonlight, to his immediate right, his destination for the night. The street. Abuzz with primetime activity, the street. He shuddered once again, a violent shake in the legs and arms. He slowed his steps but continued to walk tilting his head upwards looking at the tiny windows of the old time shackles. Women stood at the windows wearing loud clothes, louder makeups smiling through the blackened teeth. Did he really want to do this? Yes, for all he had endured guilt was a small price to pay. But a significant price nonetheless. He continued to walk when a voice struck him from behind, "600 Your Age, Right now". He didnt want much choice, how would that have mattered anyways. Averse to speaking too much, he nodded at the man. The man led him across the road to one of the many dark staircases. His heart his mind felt as dark and shady as that staircase that took him to a hall occupied with a couple of ladies sitting on chairs and a toddler playing about on the floor. As the man ahead of him smiled at the ladies, he was escorted into a tiny box of a room. Painted a meloncholy blue on all four walls, the room was barely high enough for him. The only furniture inside was a rickety bed made of wooden planks topped with a thin mattress and a soiled multocolored sheet. The man took his tip n left while he sat on the bed unsure of why he was here in the first place. Did he not always despise this entire setup? Pledge to keep a personal distance from it all through? 
He ignored the shreiking questions in his head. The door opened again a girl about mid twenties in age walked in. A very ordinary face, dark complexioned but overdosed on some cheap perfume. Clad in a dirty green salwar suit, adorned with bright red lipstick and dark kohl laden eyes. She came and sat down on the bed next to him.

This was it, the moment he had dreaded, ever since he had decided to do it. The moment of truth. His first time ever at getting intimate with someone, and in this despicable fashion. With someone, for whom it was her profession to gratify, her bread and butter per se. But his decision had been final ever since it was first made. He had decided to do away with the frustration for once, the frustration of being the nice guy. 

No words were exchanged, none were required. They both stripped out of their clothes while he turned around to slip on the protection he had come prepared with. As he turned back around to face her and took a look at her true female form, his mind sprinted over to someone else, someone he knew more closely. Closing his eyes, his mind fixed on a different face, he held the woman in front of him, in his arms and kissed her deep and hard on the lips. Exactly like he had wanted to do to her.  A wish that never realised. The passion in his kiss made his paid companion forget for a moment that she wasn't her, for an extended moment she forgot her existence and became her. As she joined in his ecstacy, a drop of water formed in the corner of his eyes and words escaped his lips, "I love you". The kissing did not stop nor the woman spoke back . The tears from his eyes continued to flow. Amidst his tears and their maddened tongues wiggling hungrily inside each other's mouth, he lay her on the bed while she opened her legs for him. Slowly he entered her and for the first time ever, felt for himself the divine union of a man and a woman. Her name escaped his Lips. The silent tears flowed out harder this time, while he continued to slowly stroke deeper into her, his lips glued onto hers. Occasionally he spoke in an unidentified ecstacy, rambled, "You know I had always loved you, the shape of your eyes, the warmth of your fingers around mine, your smile, the twinkle in your eyes, your mere presence was all i desired, was all i lived for". His voice began to break. As his strokes got more brisk so did his ramblings, "I wanted you to stay, get old with you" "Despite everything, I wanted you to stay". Many ramblings later, He climaxed. And everything stopped as meaninglessly as it had begun. 

She had stayed still all through tha act like she was used to it. Like it meant nothing to her

Not willing to face her again, he looked away as he dressed up. She sat up on the bed saying nothing. 
Fishing his wallet out of his pocket he placed the money on the same bed and left without as much as a glance.

She sat there on the same bed thinking about the person she was, before she finally picked up the money and put it in her bag. Later She went up to the bathroom to cleanup for her next client.

He walked down the same flight of stairs, back through the same busy street abuzz with primetime activity back to the same metro station without a single thought.
Had he got rid of his frustration?
He had tried..

Worthless

He mustered the courage

More like got owned by his madness

It was his last chance

Putting their past behind

Throwing the tattered rags of his self respect down the gutter

He asked her

Am outside your place

Could I see you the one last time?

I leave tomorrow morning

I'm afraid am in middle of a conversation

Sorry

He snapped the phone shut

And sat down where he stood

Thinking nothing

Looking into nothing

Wiping the blood off his wound

A befitting beautiful end to his beautiful story

She carried on with her conversation

It was just another call

She knew he'd be fine

Just another day after all

High on Pain

Love, is a beautiful feeling. Its probably like having your best friend around you all the time for the rest of your life. Someone to annoy the hell out of you when your sulky. Someone to dance around and enjoy the icecream while being drenched in the rain. Its the ease with which you raise your kids along with your friend and decades later still keep picking on each other. Its knowing fully well the best and the worst side of each other and loving both of them equally. Someone that diffuses into your soul in such a manner that the two entities aren't discernable anymore. And such romantic picturisations can be plenty. But I guess its essentially about the comfort we as humans feel in the company of our partners.

I was looking for that in the wrong person!

When years of dilusions are shattered, it does hurt

And yes it certainly wasn't meant to be

Ending with something like

May love touch you someday

While love is more or less intangible, the end of it leaves you with a pain thats very real. Its not just about sitting quietly in a room alone with your thoughts, there's a real pain right there in your chest, like a hole widening gradually in your body right in the center of your chest. You try holding yourself together, placing a hand on your chest but you can still feel it, something sinking too low within your body. You just dont know whether to cry or stay silent. This pain empties you from within, leaving nothing behind, no emotions, no hurt, no memories. You're stunned, almost stoned! Things cease to make sense. And then slowly, gradually it hits you, the pain of what you've lost. You mumble stuff regardless of where you are. You laugh and cry incoherently. It kicks you like the finest scotch, giving you a high beyond your own comprehension. High on pain. And then when you've fallen asleep while high and finally wake up, the kick is gone, no hangover nothing. You face the overly bright morning sun and slave through the day realising every moment, of the emptiness, untill the pain returns to waste you again. To stone you again.