Dwarka Dusk

And then the noise died away, fading out into nothingness. As the late-october chill dissolved into the sound of the azaan from the neighborhood mosque, the sweet tinkling of the wind chimes at her 10^th floor apartment notified her of the impending dusk. As she walked up across the hall to latch the door to the balcony, a gush of wind brushed past her face, giving her the chills marking the onset of winters. She looked down, as the amber streetlights started lighting up the busy road. But up here, it looked all different, calm, beautiful. Not a busy, traffic-laden, chaotic city road but, a bigger picture, At a distance, the suave, brightly lit metro train ferried passengers running about the course of their daily lives, a landscape of vast greens dotted by amber streetlights like tiny stars below the skies. set amidst which stood the whote marble mosque, silent, serene, like God’s own exiistence amidst the chaotic suburb. A beautiful picture of nature’s harmony. As the dusk beset deeper, the sky dissolved into her favorite hues of blue, while three tiny pigeons set on their flight back home.

Home. That was the word. Someone else too was expected home. The wait intensifying as she looked out at the street. There was still a while to go.

Having latched the door, she came back to the hall to prepare for his welcome, as she relived their last goodbye five months back. Riots had broken out in a far-off lawless land, over which god was the holiest. Forces of young, vibrant, dynamic soldiers were stationed in the casualty zones by the people condemning the riots from their AC offices. He promised to be back as his lips sucked off those nervous drops of sweat on hers. A lone drop of water had escaped her kohl-smudged eyes then.

Another such drop escaped her eyes now, now that she prepared to welcome him back. He had sounded vibrant on the phone as he expected the riots to subside and be able to return home in a week.

She had dressed in her finest punjabi suit. A black deep neck salvar kameez with a golden border, her eyes lined perfectly in kohl and her waist long her left open to one side of her face. Just the way he liked it. She wanted to leave no stone unturned, to charm him off his wits when he returned from duty. As the dusk grew into a dark starless night and the clock closed to 7, her doorbell rang. This was it, her moment of ecstacy. With a million thoughts, memories, emotions scurrying around in her head, she opened the door with the lustful smile of a newly-wed.

There he was, in a box, wrapped in tricolor.

One Last Drink

He brought the glass to his lips

Sipping the scotch, of pain once again

The familiarity was warm and welcoming

The bitter taste of memories

Albeit long forgotten

Had managed to tickle the taste buds of his heart right away

Holding his drink in his mouth

He relished the bitterness

Remeniscing slowly, pains he had long got over

Memories and pain, like scotch

Only get richer, bitter with time, he discovered

As the night went by

The moon tracing an arc along the sky

His drinks refused to cease

Years of abstinence had made him thirsty for his own pain

The stupor of forgotten love

Fuzzing the horizon of consciousness

As those eyes looked out at him from the laptop screen

Silent, sober, happy

No more words, no more answers sought

And over the night

The frozen lava of worthless tears

Melted for the one last time

And made its way back

To where it belonged!

Tonight was the last night of pain

The last night 

Possibly

The Seeker

As he walked under the sky

Lit by a million stars twinkling in the tranquility of the night,

Like a million dots, when connected

Could give him the answers he sought

The moon smiled upon him 

basking a pitch dark forest, milky white

The garden crickets filling for the intoxicating silence

As he gazed at the outline of the hills ahead and the skies above

This was his moment

A line he oft repeated to himself

Almost always in vain

And tonight was turning out no different

For what he sought, had eluded him yet again

Hours of efforts, plannings and pre thoughts

And this half alive moment

What he wanted to acheive looked him

In the eye

What he sought, was no where to be seen

Or was it?

Was it right there and he simply faced elsewhere

Maybe the answers were right there

Maybe, just maybe, he wasnt ready for them yet

Maybe there were a few lessons yet to be learnt again

Some mistakes yet to be corrected

For a mind cluttered with questions

The traffic of his thoughts had managed to catch up with him a hundred miles away

The claws of relations he had attempted to escape

Had managed to pin him down yet again

And he who ran away to solitude

Wept a tear of loneliness yet again

For he who had forgotten to love himself

Sought love, where there was none

Not for him

The Revenant: Saudade of Delhi

Like a long-lost beloved

She calls me back

And I

I love her too 

Her troughs and crests still haunt my lonely nights

Only this time

Something makes me wary

If the past holds anything to teach

Between two nights of passion, lies a day

The seldom intriguing,

Often mundane, day

When life takes over

When moods govern bonds

When insecurities greet you every morning

When ego shows up accross the bed of roses

And love becomes a load you want to shirk

But, she doesn't give me a choice

Or maybe i do not give myself one

Desires of the body have a court of their own

The heart, the infamous convict

I miss admiring her silhouettes, the dusky skin, the dark eyes against the sinking sun

Not all liquor needs the mouth

Doesn't look too bad a bargain to me. 

And here i lay

On my way back to passionate nights

And meloncholy days

Those i turned my back on

She'll hold on, i know 

I too, shall try

And now that I'm into it

Why the heck not?

Dualities

As he walked down that brightly lit corridor of the mall, His thoughts ventured a few years back in time. Of what was a terrible time to face then Now fitted perfectly into the bigger picture. The answers he had spent years chasing Stood right there in front of his eyes. That beautiful woman and the bespectacled, little girl, trying on outfits at a store a few yards away from him. 

His own little home in the big empty world

He looked, and silently smiled in gratitude

"Hey mister!"

The voice broke his trance. As he turned around, already apologetic for a probable mistaken step, he saw her. Unrecognisable at first but the familiarity about those eyes was unsettling. It wasn't more than a couple seconds that the name flashed in bol in his head. It was her.

"Uh Hi, how have you been?" He blurted with difficulty and a pale face. 

"Very well, you tell me." The smile was back. "Its been long." She continued. 

The face he saw now was quite different from what he had known all these years. The "then" straight hair had now been done up in a casual bun with a tiny speck of vermillion at the top center of the forehead. A pair of spectacles were a new addition reaffirming the workaholic that she was. The red and beige bangles on her arms spoke of a recent marriage. She had lost weight, he noticed. Clad in a black patiala suit with a hint of make up, it was in sharp contrast against the shirts and jeans he remembered her in. He silently looked at her face, her lips moving as she spoke. Yes she looked elegant. She turned her face away to avoid "that" look. He knew. 

But What he noted most prominently, no span of years could take away from her, the twinkle in her eyes. The famous twinkle. 

"Long indeed" He replied almost nervously, "So when did this happen?" He continued to ask. 

"Ohh well I met Akshay about four years ago, we married about an year back"

"Thats nice to know, I wish you the best in life" 

"Same here"

"So are you here with him?"

"Oh no! Just me, regular shopping"

They had never had many words to exchange. A comforting yet awkward silence started to take over. It was broken by the sound of the little girl calling out to him, "Daddy!!" She ran to him, opening her arms as she neared. He held open his arms and lifted her into his arms!! 

"Hi baby" his face lit up like never before. 

Realising the presence of the woman in front of him, he introduced the little girl to the lady.  "This is Nishtha,

Nishtha, say hello to aunty!"

The lady chuckled with a moist eye

"Hi Nishtha, Nice to meet you" she smiled adoringly

The little girl grinned in reply.

"I should probably get going, It felt nice meeting you. Take care"

"Yeah, you take care too"

***

'The idiot had still managed to keep me close to himself' She thought to herself As she walked away from him..

***

"Who was that lady Daddy?"

He closed his eyes and gave his 4 year old daughter a loving peck on the cheek.

"Just a friend baby"

The Girl In The Metro

In those thighs so round as melons

Inviting;

In the bosom full like the mangoes in spring

I could rest my heart to 

peaceful sleep

Her arms could hold me tight enough

The nails digging into my back

While we spent ourselves till no more

In the face chubby as a newborn spake of innocence

And in those eyes, silent, seducing

I found my woman of beauty

Aafreen

As the veil was lifted

And the eye-lids raised

A manifestation of the heavens above

stood before him

So intricately crafted by the One himself

He shuddered to face such immortal beauty

As if the One himself, faced him from those eyes

No lips did move

No eyes did blink

Yet he struggled

Struggled against the shots of silent questions

Struggled for answers never sought

The eyes that looked up to its Creator in prayer

The eyes that looked down to the earth as they blushed

Those eyes that inspire poetry

Those eyes that render wordsmiths speechless

As those eyes continued to look through him

Those big round eyes on the silent face

He felt them penetrate

Penetrate every hidden secret in his head

Every muffled scream in his throat

Every curbed pain in his heart

And all he could, but stand

As those eyes just sat there silently

Probing him, passively

While he confided, like a lamb

He gazed into those pools of black

Deep, solemn and tranquil, 

the new moon night

Outlined in black with kohl

Like a meticulous painting

He stood there

Shivered

Struggled

Admiring the beauty that faced him

Wondering if He was a painter, 

or a poet

And no more than a word escaped his lips

Aafreen

Memories on Sand

She took a bite of her burger and continued gazing at the table accross her. The little girl with frizzy hair sat on the table itself while the boy was seated on the chair, none of whom looked any older than three. The girl sat clueless, staring out from those big round eyes, while a young man wiped the ketchup off the her lips and hands with some tissues. Ms. Frizzy Hair, however was sure this man in front of her would never leave her side.

Looking at the little girl, she lost herself in a maze of thoughts. Her mind drifted off to an old man who had tended to her in exactly the same way while she held out her face and hands for him to clean. 

The man, who was her hero, and to whom she was the darling baby, his warrior princess. 

The man, whose tummy was her favorite bed 

He who believed in her when no one did

He who drank from her tiny tea sets only to share her excitement

The man, she knew, would stand by her no matter what befell her

The man who led her by her tiny hands wrapped around his finger, and raised her to fight the world

The man for whom she never grew up ever since he held her in his own two palms. 

The man who loved her like no one could, cherished her and took pride in her, no matter what. 

The man, who lived only to see her little girl smile, and cackle.

The man who will always be the only hero she ever had

A single drop of water escaped her eyes

I miss you dad..

She said to herself

Farewell

I look into your eyes

You who sit here in anticipation

The big dark eyes

Those, i've come to love, over time

The gleam is back in your eyes

The chirp, in your voice

Things I longed to see, longed to hear

Things i asked for you, everytime i prayed

However transitory..

But today

I have nothing to offer but superficial silence

Observing you, fluttering around

Smiling, after what seems to be eternity

As i hold myself from breaking it to you

Waiting for the right moment

There shall be none, i realise

In what went from disgust to inexplicable love

I found you, the extension of myself

Some five hundred miles past home

A book of fables, myths, mysteries 

Slyly disguised behind concrete professionalism

Waiting to lure me into a world i always knew, i belonged to

Your world

The world of chivalry, humility, beauty

Your wait has been tough Your journey, painful

I missed you no less, you've always known

And here i stand

At another cruel bend in the road

Waiting for my chance to say

I depart, never to return..

In the flow of things I blurt it out..

You have only one thing to ask

Where?

Some place too far to come back

Take care

The smile is transitory, yet warm

I have nothing to add

No apologies, no answers

I get up and turn around

Battling the pain, battling the guilt

As i walk away thinking

You should've been in my life, a bit longer

Almost Euphoric

And it rained

Rained like it never had before

Rained like it never will again

As he sat in his balcony

In his cosy lil small town

Looking out into nothing

This was it, his town, his very moment

The chirpings of the swallows flying home

Had failed to romance him today

The chill in the breeze, made him shiver

But he stayed

Waiting for the moment to rid him of the pain

The showers intensified unannounced

But nothing changed

As he sat there

Recalling all that he had lost

Reminiscing the women he had loved

Unstoppably, uncontrollably, irrevocably

A torrential downpour

The woman who taught him to smile

And the one who taught him the beauty of tears wept in love

She, to whom he meant the world

And she to whom he meant nothing at all

She, who taught him what it meant to be loved

And she who taught him eternal pain and longing

The woman who might have fought for him

And the woman he wanted to fight the world for

And years later

All he sat today with, was empty hands

Empty yet painful life

A few smiles, umpteen emotions

Countless tears

Pondering over love he had lost

Braving the chill on his bare flesh

The grey twilight turned deeper

The amber street lights made the raindrops gleam

The rain continued unabated

The downpour of emotions went unceased

Breeze after breeze

The chill reminded him 

How cold the world had really turned

Not that it had been any different

But he had allowed himself some happy illusions

Homeless

How different are you from these homeless of delhi

I ask myself

They who roam about the roads all alone

So do you

With nothing on their body but for tattered rags

While you wear shamelessly, your tattered ego

Smoking the cheapest filth they happen to get

Quite like you, getting high on whatever grains of love drop your way

Intoxication, their only escape from the harsh reality

So be it with you

Alienated, disowned by the world they belong to

I still dont see a difference

Begging for alms at the crack of dawn

Gathering what the rich discard

As You with the bowls of your eyes loiter begging for her sight

How different really? 

I ask myself

No, not a lot

Wo Kehte Hain

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain

Magar unki nazar kuch aur kehti hai

Kuch unki ada kuch wo lafz

Kuch aur daastaa byaan karte hain

Kuch wo taaron si timtimaati aankhein

Kuch wo jhukti haya bhari aankhein

Un jhuki palko me qaid wo tamaam raaz

Un aankhon ki haya kuch aur kehti hai

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain 

magar unki nazar kuch aur kehti hai

Labo ke jharokhe se jhaankti wo dheemi si muskaan

Har inkaar me ikraar ka paigaam

Aur unka rukh, jis par allah paak bhi Aafreen farma jaayein

Puri kaaynaat ki khoobsoorati khud me samaaye

Wo kehte hain wo dost hain

Aur hum naadaan,

Baghawat bhi karein to kya

Kuch door saath chale 

Aur keh gaye hum humsafar nahi

Phir kyu har ghadi unka ehsaas hai

Wo kehte rahe hum dost hain tumhare

Par wo nazar, wo muskaan wo dil

Kuch aur hi daastaan byaan karti gayi

Paradise

She walked silently by the street

Hands tucked in her pheran

Arms crossed around her torso

In the valley ruled by perrenial winters 

This evening was unusually cold

The sun had just gone down behind the hills

Giving the dusk sky a mystic shade of blue

The shade that got darker every five minutes

The silhouette of the lush green mountains now loomed large around her, 

changing colors in line with those of the sky

Greens to greys

Her hair neatly tied behind her head

Covered in a pink dupatta

The big almond eyes on a snowy complexion

Only 17 yet, she was often complimented for her looks

Abu had been planning to get her married after 18

She always blushed at the thought of her marriage

As she crossed the the little wooden bridge over the stream

Soaking in the sound of the water gushing by

Rustling and roaring in the little stream 

The sound of the azaan filled the air

Rendering the entire scene divine, exotic, mesmerizing

If not this what else must paradise be

Abu would have set off for the mosque she thought

Ammi would be helping little shahid with his english primer

And she lost herself to her thoughts

Turning to the road that led to her home

A one room house in a tiny cozy village in the valley

School had been fun today

Rafia had told her a juicy bit about shehnaz

They had giggled over it in the math class

Like any 17 year old girl, she kept pictures of Ranbir Kapoor in her bag

As she walked

The streets today were unusually deserted

Zaroon chacha's shop of daily essentials was closed too

Highly unusual, she thought to herself

There had been talks of an alert back at the school

And then she heard an explosion

Louder than she had ever heard

It took her a moment to figure out what it was

What followed were rapid gunshots coming  from two different directions

Before she could think or act She felt a bullet go through her stomach

Her insides burned as the gunpowder mixed immediately into her blood

As she collapsed dizzy

Blurry scenes of abu ammi and shahid flashed by her eyes

Just then, another tiny bullet of burning gunpowder went through her forehead

17 years of existence in the paradise

And a befitting silent nameless unceremonious death

The soldier who died with her got a honorary funeral

She became a headline in the newspaper

"Tensions up at Jammu and Kashmir border as teenage girl, soldier killed"

This was it, the end to her story

The cost of living in a paradise..

Torn

He deboarded the metro train unsure, indecisive. Walking up the escalator with reluctant steps. His conscience mocked him, berated him for what he was about to do. He carried on, he had decided to do away with the frustration for once. As he walked out of the station the sun had just set, the white disc evening moon could be faintly spotted in the mirage of hues that was the dusk sky. He took the turn he had never taken before and walked along the narrow bylane. Bustling with activity as was the custom in the old city, he saw numerous stalls n carts selling everthing from daily essentials to apparel to food to electronics. He spotted a shady little chemist shop in a corner. 

As he walked back from the chemist further onto the road, it widened. The sky grew darker and the air, chilly owing to the december winters. The CFL tubelights and LPG Bulbs came on from the adjoining establishments. To his left was the Ancient Gateway of the city basked in the milky white moonlight, to his immediate right, his destination for the night. The street. Abuzz with primetime activity, the street. He shuddered once again, a violent shake in the legs and arms. He slowed his steps but continued to walk tilting his head upwards looking at the tiny windows of the old time shackles. Women stood at the windows wearing loud clothes, louder makeups smiling through the blackened teeth. Did he really want to do this? Yes, for all he had endured guilt was a small price to pay. But a significant price nonetheless. He continued to walk when a voice struck him from behind, "600 Your Age, Right now". He didnt want much choice, how would that have mattered anyways. Averse to speaking too much, he nodded at the man. The man led him across the road to one of the many dark staircases. His heart his mind felt as dark and shady as that staircase that took him to a hall occupied with a couple of ladies sitting on chairs and a toddler playing about on the floor. As the man ahead of him smiled at the ladies, he was escorted into a tiny box of a room. Painted a meloncholy blue on all four walls, the room was barely high enough for him. The only furniture inside was a rickety bed made of wooden planks topped with a thin mattress and a soiled multocolored sheet. The man took his tip n left while he sat on the bed unsure of why he was here in the first place. Did he not always despise this entire setup? Pledge to keep a personal distance from it all through? 
He ignored the shreiking questions in his head. The door opened again a girl about mid twenties in age walked in. A very ordinary face, dark complexioned but overdosed on some cheap perfume. Clad in a dirty green salwar suit, adorned with bright red lipstick and dark kohl laden eyes. She came and sat down on the bed next to him.

This was it, the moment he had dreaded, ever since he had decided to do it. The moment of truth. His first time ever at getting intimate with someone, and in this despicable fashion. With someone, for whom it was her profession to gratify, her bread and butter per se. But his decision had been final ever since it was first made. He had decided to do away with the frustration for once, the frustration of being the nice guy. 

No words were exchanged, none were required. They both stripped out of their clothes while he turned around to slip on the protection he had come prepared with. As he turned back around to face her and took a look at her true female form, his mind sprinted over to someone else, someone he knew more closely. Closing his eyes, his mind fixed on a different face, he held the woman in front of him, in his arms and kissed her deep and hard on the lips. Exactly like he had wanted to do to her.  A wish that never realised. The passion in his kiss made his paid companion forget for a moment that she wasn't her, for an extended moment she forgot her existence and became her. As she joined in his ecstacy, a drop of water formed in the corner of his eyes and words escaped his lips, "I love you". The kissing did not stop nor the woman spoke back . The tears from his eyes continued to flow. Amidst his tears and their maddened tongues wiggling hungrily inside each other's mouth, he lay her on the bed while she opened her legs for him. Slowly he entered her and for the first time ever, felt for himself the divine union of a man and a woman. Her name escaped his Lips. The silent tears flowed out harder this time, while he continued to slowly stroke deeper into her, his lips glued onto hers. Occasionally he spoke in an unidentified ecstacy, rambled, "You know I had always loved you, the shape of your eyes, the warmth of your fingers around mine, your smile, the twinkle in your eyes, your mere presence was all i desired, was all i lived for". His voice began to break. As his strokes got more brisk so did his ramblings, "I wanted you to stay, get old with you" "Despite everything, I wanted you to stay". Many ramblings later, He climaxed. And everything stopped as meaninglessly as it had begun. 

She had stayed still all through tha act like she was used to it. Like it meant nothing to her

Not willing to face her again, he looked away as he dressed up. She sat up on the bed saying nothing. 
Fishing his wallet out of his pocket he placed the money on the same bed and left without as much as a glance.

She sat there on the same bed thinking about the person she was, before she finally picked up the money and put it in her bag. Later She went up to the bathroom to cleanup for her next client.

He walked down the same flight of stairs, back through the same busy street abuzz with primetime activity back to the same metro station without a single thought.
Had he got rid of his frustration?
He had tried..